In the time before the oceans drank many Fantas, and the rise of the
sons of Soriasis, there was an age undreamed of…
And unto this, the Warhamster; destined to balance the jewelled crown
of Portmuck upon a troubled snout;
It is I, his chronicler who alone can tell thee of his saga;
Let me tell you of the days of weird adventurrrrrre…
(where not everything is
painnnted…)
The Witch Queen of Portmuck
Four and twenty dodgy-shrooms, she baked them in a pie
Stared at all her enemies, with one efficient eye
Advised in every foible, by Squalid Sid the imp
She would be half attractive, if it wasn’t for her limp.
(buh-boom)
The Witch Queen, in one of her
many guises, showing a generous portion of thigh. In this case however, our
spies believe that it’s a wooden leg which houses a wand of fireballs.
Shur-Lee (Shirley to her friends) the immortal Witch Queen of Portmuck;
forced to imbibe kitten brains through a straw in order to preserve her
youthful appearance (wow - that is
evil), she is the arch nemesis of the Warhamster.
Even now, she plots, in league with Chief Bwian of the Brown Orcs
(Brown Orcs are known for their speech impediments) and Hamish Toadsplitter,
leader of the swamp ogres (Swamp Ogres are known for exaggerating minor
accomplishments), with malignant intent -shaped by her belief in her manifest
destiny to rule the Upnoth region and squeeze it dry in her grip of light gauge
steel.
The Brown Orcs, if well led, can be formidable (And can even remain
unpainted at a pinch), while Swamp Ogres have to be paid as mercenaries (their
brains operate on the basis of basic economic supply and demand theory). Should
Upnoth ever consider employing them for their inherent accountancy, business
and financial skills, it might even drag itself out of the dark ages. Such a
pity the gods and goddesses have touched them sternly with the misshapen-pug-ugly
stick! (Should employment legislation ever reach the Upnoth region,
this will all be sorted.)
They have a cave twoll!
The twolls (referred to as trolls by scholars, but who in the nine
hells would listen to those guys) are a confused lot. They might be Giants (See
what I did there). In fact, they could be Troll Giants.
Using this rationale, we can safely describe most of the fantastic
creatures that populate the Upnoth region.
Tiger-Flies
Dwarf-Beholders
Banshee-Elfs
Demon-Frogs
See – it’s easy.
Mercenaries
(with cool names like Jenny’s
Bows, Murkle’s Maces, and the Gay Blades…wait…what?)
The thing about mercenaries, is that they’re in it for life. Not
because they enjoy their somewhat politically incorrect profession, but because
they’re thick. Most of them come from the more settled areas in the south,
thinking that they’ll make a fast buck. The issue here is that they’re not the
sharpest tools in the box. They undercharge for goods and services, and have
been forced down in terms of their value in the supply chain.
This has mainly
been accomplished through excellent supply chain management in this area. The Witch
Queen, it has claimed, garnered her skills in the aerospace sector in another
dimension, before returning to her nether realm and using those self same
skills to make sure that hard working subcontractors couldn’t possibly make a
bloody profit, yet would have to go with it since her custom is the only game
in town! Ahem…sorry, getting carried away.
Having said that, some mercs refuse to work for her, claiming that her
HR department demons refuse to let them swear in battle. This is anathema to
the reputation of the hard fightin’ mercs, who like to say *(content edited by HR demons)*
.
The Knights of Ken
Ken’s knights were once mercenaries too, but a little smarter. This
means that their numbers are considerably lesser, and their allegiances are
always difficult to understand. Clearly, they are descendents of some ancient
mystical order, who will steal all of the riches in the land and set up the
equivalent of Switzerland at some stage in the future. For now, they’re pretty
‘ardcore.
The Kalts
What a bunch of mad b******s. No seriously. These guys are either at
war, or playing a game called ‘sandal-ball’, which is normally more violent
than being at war. Nuff’ said, though this is all you need to know.
- If you tell them to hold, they will charge.
If you tell them to take prisoners, they will probably eat them.
If you tell them to attack…they probably will do as you say, unless
they change sides. Then they’ll kill you.
Their god 'Kram' simply does not care, or listen. (Though he used to be a decent middle distance runner).
Waxian Nomads
The Nomads used to be called injuns,
but HR were having none of it. Truth be told, they own the place, but as with
most colonial tragedies, the chances of them ever getting their land back rely
on (1) asteroid impact wiping everyone else out or (2) political correctness
starting in the age of exploration and in the midst of Fantasy Empires clashing (which let’s
face it, is a non starter really).
The Roly Homan Empire
The Empire are probably going to make inroads up this direction, when
the indigenous population have killed each other ;)
Emperor Roly XXXVII may even turn up in a skyboat.
Should I do a map or something?
