Sunday, 30 June 2019

So things must be serious ...since I did a map?

As Blogmaster, I have decided that a MAP is required.

Yeah, I did a map of the world of 'Upnoth' (Up North Ooop Noth ...geddit? ....)

Anyway, here are the key things to get before the fighting starts:

  • 'UpNoth', in the north (duhh) holds the remnants of various city states and mercenary bands, including religious zealot style Knights of Ken at Lodge, and the market town of Spar (see what I did there).
  • Parsnip Pass to the south is strategically vital to all - to the west of this resides the Witch Queen of Portmuck and her dark hordes of Mordor...I mean... just her dark hordes.
  • Elves and Dwarves in the forests and Sh*tstorm Mountains respectively.
  • The Roly Homan Empire to the south - a vast array of politicking squabblers. North of the Forest of Coe, resides Lord Seb himself.
  • Off the coast, the ancient mystical island of MelenieBone Eh? ...still threatens to enslave all races as it did thousands of years ago. Derek of MelenieBone Eh? is still the Shadishah Emperor sitting astride the Booby throne (when he's not too tired).
It's all set for mass slaughter! aaaaaand FIGHT!

Saturday, 29 June 2019

The blog lives on...

No real posts for the blog re. wargaming...but these guys are awesome, and somehow this song seems most appropriate for the content of the blog in general.

Sunday, 20 May 2018

Charlie's Angels

So, finishing these three gals from Bronze Age Miniatures, inspired me to get going again...and no, they aren't wearing bras.

Also tinkering with these fine rules with which to integrate some 'days of HIiiiiigh Adventuuuurrrre' into some Conan-esque gaming, though of course set in the land of the Witch Queen.

Apparently , Charlie's Angels was originally known as 'Jiggle TV'. Bearing in mind the more barbarian-esque nature of what we have here, I can't even begin to imagine what the sword & sorcery version might be called...

The 'Angels'

Sabrina - the planner, uhhh, there for comedy value.

Jill or Kris - depending on when you started watching - expert archer.

Kelly - the sensible one (wait...sensible? Female barbarians in Sword & Sorcery...sensible?)

'We are not amused...why, they don't even have an armour class?'

 ' 'Ere...what about the rest of your female fantasy figures mate?  GRRR...jealous.'

Monday, 18 September 2017

Bring me Sunshine...

'Tis said that The Witch Queen was married once, and so we must reveal the identity of our chronicler...

Arik MorKom was once a fearless warrior, and 'tis said that he cruelly defeated the Black Knight of Shatner ...just so he could cross a bloody bridge!

But, that was many years ago. He met Shirley...ah..the Witch Queen when she was but an apprentice pants-scraper in the kitchens of the Sorceror Arsun Vanger.

Arik's knowledge was vast...and 'tis said that he showed the Witch Queen such feats of magic, that she realised that she could probably just kill the old codger and be done with it (rumour 'as it, she was shaggin' the milkman - that is..the dread Milk Merchant Saris..Kar  (get on with it!))

Yes..right...anyway, if proof were needed...

It all ended badly. Now the MorKom hides in the hills far to the south, awaiting the day when he might re-unite with his lost love (though it's unlikely).

"I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup"

"Why does Captain Kirk's wife smell?"
"Because William Shatner!'

Friday, 1 September 2017

Too much red wine...clearly

In the time before the oceans drank many Fantas, and the rise of the sons of Soriasis, there was an age undreamed of…
And unto this, the Warhamster; destined to balance the jewelled crown of Portmuck upon a troubled snout;
It is I, his chronicler who alone can tell thee of his saga;
Let me tell you of the days of weird adventurrrrrre…

(where not everything is  painnnted…)

 The Witch Queen of Portmuck
Four and twenty dodgy-shrooms, she baked them in a pie

Stared at all her enemies, with one efficient eye

Advised in every foible, by Squalid Sid the imp

She would be half attractive, if it wasn’t for her limp.

The Witch Queen, in one of her many guises, showing a generous portion of thigh. In this case however, our spies believe that it’s a wooden leg which houses a wand of fireballs.
Shur-Lee (Shirley to her friends) the immortal Witch Queen of Portmuck; forced to imbibe kitten brains through a straw in order to preserve her youthful appearance (wow - that is evil), she is the arch nemesis of the Warhamster.
Even now, she plots, in league with Chief Bwian of the Brown Orcs (Brown Orcs are known for their speech impediments) and Hamish Toadsplitter, leader of the swamp ogres (Swamp Ogres are known for exaggerating minor accomplishments), with malignant intent -shaped by her belief in her manifest destiny to rule the Upnoth region and squeeze it dry in her grip of light gauge steel.

The Brown Orcs, if well led, can be formidable (And can even remain unpainted at a pinch), while Swamp Ogres have to be paid as mercenaries (their brains operate on the basis of basic economic supply and demand theory). Should Upnoth ever consider employing them for their inherent accountancy, business and financial skills, it might even drag itself out of the dark ages. Such a pity the gods and goddesses have touched them sternly with the misshapen-pug-ugly stick! (Should employment legislation ever reach the Upnoth region, this will all be sorted.)

 They have a cave twoll!
The twolls (referred to as trolls by scholars, but who in the nine hells would listen to those guys) are a confused lot. They might be Giants (See what I did there). In fact, they could be Troll Giants.
Using this rationale, we can safely describe most of the fantastic creatures that populate the Upnoth region.
See – it’s easy.

(with cool names like Jenny’s Bows, Murkle’s Maces, and the Gay Blades…wait…what?)
The thing about mercenaries, is that they’re in it for life. Not because they enjoy their somewhat politically incorrect profession, but because they’re thick. Most of them come from the more settled areas in the south, thinking that they’ll make a fast buck. The issue here is that they’re not the sharpest tools in the box. They undercharge for goods and services, and have been forced down in terms of their value in the supply chain. 

This has mainly been accomplished through excellent supply chain management in this area. The Witch Queen, it has claimed, garnered her skills in the aerospace sector in another dimension, before returning to her nether realm and using those self same skills to make sure that hard working subcontractors couldn’t possibly make a bloody profit, yet would have to go with it since her custom is the only game in town! Ahem…sorry, getting carried away.

Having said that, some mercs refuse to work for her, claiming that her HR department demons refuse to let them swear in battle. This is anathema to the reputation of the hard fightin’ mercs, who like to say *(content edited by HR demons)* .

The Knights of Ken
Ken’s knights were once mercenaries too, but a little smarter. This means that their numbers are considerably lesser, and their allegiances are always difficult to understand. Clearly, they are descendents of some ancient mystical order, who will steal all of the riches in the land and set up the equivalent of Switzerland at some stage in the future. For now, they’re pretty ‘ardcore.

The Kalts
What a bunch of mad b******s. No seriously. These guys are either at war, or playing a game called ‘sandal-ball’, which is normally more violent than being at war. Nuff’ said, though this is all you need to know.
  • If you tell them to hold, they will charge.
    If you tell them to take prisoners, they will probably eat them.
    If you tell them to attack…they probably will do as you say, unless they change sides. Then they’ll kill you.
    Their god 'Kram' simply does not care, or listen. (Though he used to be a decent middle distance runner).

Waxian Nomads
The Nomads used to be called injuns, but HR were having none of it. Truth be told, they own the place, but as with most colonial tragedies, the chances of them ever getting their land back rely on (1) asteroid impact wiping everyone else out or (2) political correctness starting in the age of exploration and in the midst of Fantasy Empires clashing (which let’s face it, is a non starter really).

 The Roly Homan Empire
The Empire are probably going to make inroads up this direction, when the indigenous population have killed each other ;)
Emperor Roly XXXVII may even turn up in a skyboat.

Should I do a map or something?